I know CheruCheriPie
kinda has a thing where she does this lil status update on life or whatevers and I've been thinking, maybe this should be a thing I do too? Especially since I seem to always be not active and not social.
(Also if you don't know I might just end up rambling in these as well. Like below.)
Like, I want to be more social. And I've been thinking on as to why I get so anxious about replying, or just anything socialize. At first, I thought it was just because it's way out of my comfort zone. I've figured I'm an introverted person. Other people have said I'm just shy. Other people say I have social anxiety. Might be all of them, or none of them, I dunno. All I know is I have a hard time replying to things, or holding conversations with people, both online and off the net. The only people I have no problem with talking with and spending time with are people I know well: my immediate family and my bestie, Eessosis
. I talk to them all the time. So it's not like I'm /not/ social. (Though there are times where I just want to not talk to anyone and I tend to go read a book or put on a movie or something.) But anyways, I've come to realize that these people are my greatest social supporters. As in, once they aren't in the picture (online: they aren't in the chat room/ offline: they aren't close by), I immediately feel exposed and vulnerable; this causes me to try not to open myself up to other people.
Like, I have this really amazing pathfinder group of people, okay? And I LOVE playing with them. I think they are the coolest people and it's super fun hanging out with them. But I completely freeze up all the time, to the point that I can't get myself to reply onto the discord chat we have (especially if I don't see it right away, then I really have a bigger hard time.) And I honestly know that these people are great and I shouldn't freeze up like this around them. And yet I still do.
I know that this has gotten worse as time goes by, unless I have moments like these where I just don't care (or I feel too good to feel that anxiousness take over), where I have no problem rambling about myself. (I actually like talking about myself -divas-. At least, I've come to realize this. However I don't always feel super comfortable doing so. So I tend not to. And as such, I tend to put myself down for it. Not, like, purposely. Just I know I'm not a super interesting person. Hell, most of the time I'm just in my room being a dork, not much to go off of there.)
I know I shouldn't feel like this. Because it's stupid. And I should be going around more confidently. But I really am not that confident a person. And I'm also trying really hard not to get super attached to people who might just... poof, for one reason or another. Or to get really really hurt again. I really don't want to go through getting hurt badly again. Especially since I've been doing really really well with myself.
I feel a lot more happier. Like, I have this scale on how I rate my days:
Up Up (or more Ups if it needs it)
(Up Neutral) Neutral (Down Neutral)
Down Down (or more Downs if it needs it)
For me, Up to Down days are normal and needed. I can't be happy all the time, or so happy that I'm stuck in a weird overly confident/excited spot. That can be dangerous for me, and other people. However, so Up Up moments are healthy too. As the opposite, I shouldn't be stuck feeling bad for a long time, or horrible for a super long time either. It can also be dangerous/unhealthy for me and other people.
So most of the time, I tend to be have a Neutral day. But I've realized my Neutral days can also lead into a "blankness" for me emotionally. I used to hate feeling really "blank." However, my "blank" or lack of emotions has dwindled a lot now. I tend to feel content more than anything. Or just, comfortable, or safe. Relaxed.
I feel that's a good spot to be. And I worked stupidly hard with myself to get myself in a better emotional state; I'm proud of how far I've got in the last two years.
I just know, socially, this will take me a lot longer. I can do the brief, "Have a good day" when I buy something or whatever. But other than that, it's so terrifying? I can't think of the best word for it. I want nothing more than to vanish into a wall or something. (And I've also looked back on myself when I was younger and this has been a thing for a while, but it was never fully this bad. It got to this bad, but never stayed, ya know?)
It'll just, take me longer to feel more comfortable with being more social, especially with people I don't know that well or am that actively talking with. But I know there was one thing that I used to do a lot that helped me break out of my shell a bit more: streaming.
When I would stream, I would feel anxious, but it was something that I managed to deal with. And when I would stream more often, it felt like the people who came to my streams and would chat and such were super supporting and such. Not just of my art, which I'm glad there are some people who enjoy what I make, but of me personally. Like, I didn't have such a hard time with talking to people after a while when I streamed. I think this is the step I need to make again, streaming, to help with my social-troubles/energy. (I also think I have low social energy still but that's fine.)
My only trouble is, I have no idea when to stream. My days tend to be like this:
Wake up (8-10am)
Go to neighbor's and let out their dog [It's a kinda job so woo |D] (10-11am)
Come back, have lunch/Or walk first (11-2pm) (In this time, I might actually just talk with Mum or something or play some Skyrim or Draw or Watch some Youtube/TV as well.) (This is also the the time that if Mum wants to do some shopping, I go to help her.
Go back to neighbor's and dog again (2-3pm)
Come back and help with boys if needed, otherwise I have some time to myself again (unless we all go somewhere, which can happen) (3-5pm)
Help with supper and eat the supper (5-6:30pm)
Go and water plants (though I dunno if we are going to anymore now. Mum's tired of having a buttload of veggies that we can't eat and we can't seem to find anyone to give them to) (6:30-7pm)
*Watch AGT (On Tuesdays and Wednesdays. I spend this time with Mum ♥) (7pm+)
Time for myself/help get boys to bed (7-9pm)
Go up and spend some time with Mum again/away from the computer (9-10/11pm)
Get to bed because I tend to be tired (11-12/1am)
And during all those times I have to myself, especially after the boys come home, I might be get peoples coming to me on and off. (There's a lot of times where I say I spend time with Mum. I know. But I know she's lonely a bit right now with my dad being deployed. She only gets to talk to him for 15 minutes in the morning and another 15 minutes at night each day. So I try to keep her company sometimes. Even if it just means I'm sitting in the living room with her watching TV while she plays solitaire on the computer. She ends up getting a random thought and starts talking about it. Or we make plans for supper or anything like that for the next day. Things like that.)
I also don't feel like 2 hours is enough time to really stream. Especially since some of the art work that I want to be working on takes me 10 hours minimum to work on. And I want to make bigger pieces.
... (I have to go shower really quick while I was in the middle of writing this and I forgot a lot of what I was going to type. HRMMMMM)
But yeah uh.
Less rambling about all that? Perhaps? Like, I feel like I was trying to justify myself after rereading some of the stuff I just wrote up there. It's just been on my mind a lot, and I think dA, and places like dA, are effected the most because of my lack of socializing. Either way, it's just my ramblings, so feel free to not focus on it. I'll be continuously contemplating my social skills and such. All my ramblings up there was just what I've been noticing and pinpointing in my thoughts as I try to figure out a way to feel less... pushed in the middle of a spotlight when I try to socialize. |D;BUT LET'S ACTUALLY GET TO THE MONTHLY UPDATE THING, YEAH?
I think I'll do these on the 8th of the month, if I keep with it. That's the same time I weigh myself each month to see how I'm progressing with my weight loss.
WHICH IF YOU DIDN'T KNOW, I've been working hard on losing some weight. I know a couple times in the past I would attempt to lose but then I would give up. However, I've managed to have a plan on what I do that got me to actually see myself lose some quickly, but not too quickly (since that's unhealthy, ha).
My main rule: 1,000 calories (though now I'm lenient if I go over a little bit, but no more than 100 calories).
My second rule, that Dad had helped me get into before he left: I have to walk for a while.
My third important rule that I had to follow: weigh myself every month (on the 8th) at the same time (1pm) and record it
My last optional rule: I'm allowed to have 1 cheat day once a week if I want.
At first, everything sucked and I hated it. But now, I'm not always hungry, and I can walk farther and faster without 1.) my feet being in pain and 2.) getting tired so fast.
I had started off walking slowly with my dad every day in the morning around the block, which is a half mile just about. I had hated it and my feet would be in hell it seemed. However, now I can easily walk it quickly. (Though since my first walking partner is in the middle of nowhere and my second walking partner (my little brother) has elementary school again, I tend to just walk on the treadmill which is boring as hell but whatevers.)
After doing this, I've become much more confident (though I'm still a coward for the most part and I try to avoid my problems, sorry guys). I also don't really see that much of a difference but Mum says she can see a difference. I can only tell (not using a scale) is that a lot of my clothes are... uh... much looser XD.
I started May 8th on this weightloss plan I made for myself at 311lbs. (Yes, now you know >3>
Now, in my last recording I have in my notepad here: I weigh (on September 8th) 271.6 lbs. And I'm still losing. It's averaging about 10 pounds a month. My over all goal for next May was to have lost 50 pounds. (I'm already at 40 so woo, my goal will most likely met ha.)
I can't wait to wear some cute stuffs /o/ Or just get different things. There really isn't a lot of stuff I'd wear right now that comes in "my size." Most of it doesn't fit right, or I just feel like I look stupid in it |D. But I have some clothes I had kept from years and years ago that I'll get to wear again. And some of it is ♥ I can't wait to wear things and not be super self conscious about what's actually visible. Like, don't get me wrong, I don't think everyone my size is "bad looking." And I know I should be comfortable with myself, but I just... am not?
Like, I want to be able to go on a hike to take pretty pictures without being stupidly out of breath. And things like that. It's embarrassing for me for what I want to be able to go out and do. I'm just glad I'm getting results for my hard work to get into a more healthy state physically (I'm obese guys. It's pretty damn hard to do the things I wanna do).
Big people love though, for those who love themselves on their size. But if you don't love your size, go ahead and work on it. No damn shame. Not everyone has to love what they have at this moment. (And no, I'm not being "influenced" but the beauty thing or whatever. I don't want to look like most of those beauty peoples. I'll still be "fat" I just won't be obese. -divas away-)
I'm really ecstatic though. I got some goodies from Japan, which I don't know if I've told you guys about.
One of my dad's coworkers over there got some goodies from his wife (who's stationed in Japan). This guy shared with some of the other guys, including my dad. As such, Dad asked if there was a way to send me a box of goodies ♥ They have my eternal thanks ahh ♥
Also, for supper a couple days ago, I got the boys to make riceballs with me
(That one is my second one. It looks bad, but it was yummy as hell >:C)
We had BBQ pulled chicken to put into the riceballs. My older little brother, Ian, had some inside his. My younger little brother, Joel, just wanted a plain riceball. Which was fine, it was more for the experience of making the riceballs. Ian tried some seaweed with his and liked it ♥ (And the seaweed was actually good quality stuff so it didn't taste like crap, so double ♥ ) It was yummy, even if it was messy and not the best looking.
I ALSO got some of my Christmas stupidly early. I had gotten myself a lot of Undertale goodies ♥
I got most of what I picked out. Some of the other things is Preordered so I won't get them for a bit but yessssss. Now I can leak my love of this game into my physical presence, instead of just gushing at Em about it forever on and off.
-yesses forever into the distance-
UH.... I also have gotten into Skyrim again. Anyone who has me on steam (which if you want to add me: steamcommunity.com/id/dreamsve…
I don't talk much on there. I also will ask you to NOT give me games. Please ask first. I also will not be giving out games unless I really want to. Don't ask.) can clearly see how much I'm into that game. I love Skyrim a lot too. It's also one of my favorite games >3> Yes.
If you haven't heard, I've started a group
I've been working on the map at the moment, and it's really hard. Maps are hard guys. But most everything behind the scenes (writing wise) is done. We just have to rewrite it to make it not look like a bunch of notes >3> But right now I was just working on arts. It'll take a little bit to get up and running, but once it does, it'll be a pretty relaxed group.
I've been wanting to kinda get back into RPing. (And to reply to the one RP I have that's been in Haitus for months now because of me.) And like, I just wanted a chill place. I also know that Em, who's co-founder of the group, also wanted a relaxed chill group as well to also help her get back into RPing. So it's like, perfect ♥
I can't wait to
make even more since that's exactly what I should be doing and
place characters into there. ♥
But I can't think of much else to put into this possibly monthly thing that I might or might not do. I've been working on this for the last 3 hours (showering took some time and Mum needing me to help). I'll try not to ramble AS much next time? Or just toss out a lot of thoughts that have been circling in my head possibly? I dunno. I'm doing pretty good. Wish I knew what we were doing for supper (I've not eaten Lunch yet so.... >3>)
I'm sorry art takes me forever.
That's something I need to get back into as well.
(And sorry for taking forever to reply to comments. I... I'm trying. I promise. And that note. I will reply back. I swear. I just dunno when).
Uh.. HOW ARE YOU?